Opening up blogger and starting a new post almost feels like traveling back to a lost era.
It brings back the memories of silly things and serious things.
It reminds me how good it is to reflect on God's mercies and dwell on His attributes.
Yesterday, I was sitting in church and thinking about so many things and I realized that writing and specifically writing here helps me to think and clear my mind and focus on the reality that God needs to be the most important thing in my life.
So, I'm back. It might not be permanent or reliable, but that's okay.
And I'm going to be honest. I've been dry. And prideful. And ignorant. But mostly, I've been wandering. My heart and my spirit wants to be focused on God and growing in Him, but my flesh wants things that are more quickly satisfying. There is this fear that if I give myself completely over to Christ, I'm going to miss out on other really neat things. There is this lack of trust that God completely provides for His children. This doubt that He could really truly love me, because I've done nothing to deserve it. There's this pride that snarls and lashes out that I can do everything on my own. And then, there's the subtle lies of the world. The ones that tell me I'm doing fine. I'm better than "that guy." At least I don't do those kinds of things. It's as though I have sunglasses on and am getting enough light to think that I can see, but little by little, the guard is removed and the radiant light I have been missing for so long is gloriously blinding.
And I'm thankful that despite my sinful nature, I am a child of a God who so marvelously seeks out His own.
Yesterday, I was so mind blown by hearing a baby giggle while resting in his mother's arms. He reached out to her face and squirmed. He was quiet and still in her arms as she held him. He started to cry and immediately his mother acted, she stood up and rocked him, and was focused on doing everything she could for her child.
I've heard a baby cry before, and I've seen mother's rush to the aid of their children. But yesterday, it was as though I heard it with new ears. A baby has no choice but to be completely trusting of his mother and her provision. And it then hit me that the mother loved to provide for her child. Her
baby did nothing to deserve that love, but she lavished it just the same.
All at once, I realized that it is this deep trust I need to have in Christ.
I want to take satisfaction in His presence like a baby delights in being swaddled and snuggled.
I want reach out to feel that the Spirit is close, like a baby reaches for his mother.
I want to cry out in need and hunger, just like a baby cries out for food, with complete hope that satisfaction will come.
I want to sing praise and thanksgiving, just like a baby giggles in delight.
I want my complete trust and satisfaction to come from delighting in my great Savior. I have done nothing to deserve the gift of Christ's redemption. There's nothing I could do to repay that. I don't deserve this love that has been poured on me. In fact, the more I get closer to God, the more I realize my inadequacy. But the more of my failings that I see, the more grateful and awestruck I am by His amazing grace. He is a God who delights in loving His children. (Zeph. 3:17) How is that possible? I still don't understand the whys and the hows, but all I know, is that I am going to be more now than ever, begging God for a closeness and trust in Him deeper than I have ever experienced before. This world is fleeting and fading. But the Kingdom of God is everlasting, and His glory never fades. How much greater is seeking out Christ going to be than seeking out the pleasures of this life? I think greater than even imaginable.